When He Loves Himself More than He Loves You: How to Deal with a Narcissistic Boyfriend

He had been charming when you met. He always asked how you were, lavished you with attention, and responded to all your needs. You constantly felt like the center of his universe, the apple of his eye.

More so, you couldn't believe how lucky you were, to have found a man with obvious ambition and drive to succeed. He told you all about his plans for his future, on how he's just the guy to achieve his dreams, how he's miles apart from the rest. He had seemed so certain, so secure, and you began to believe the illusion that he can do no wrong.

But slowly, your fantasy man starts to unravel.



You always have to give him love and attention; otherwise he gets angry and vindictive. You feel that in all decisions that you make as a couple, his needs always takes priority. You can't do things for yourself just because you want to; every activity that you do - even while you're apart - must conform to his moods of the day. And one by one, evidence that he's just exaggerating his accomplishments confront you, until you start to doubt if he's even who he says he is.

You fell in love with a narcissist.

How do you cope when the person you love cares for no one else but himself?

Stay or Go?

If you suspect that your boyfriend is a narcissist, you have a big decision ahead of you: do I leave this guy now, or do I give us a chance to work it out?

You're probably saying: isn't that a bit harsh? The first advice is already 'stay or go'? There's no gray area in between?

Unfortunately, no. The reality is, narcissism can be a tolerable personality trait - or it can be a personality disorder that can drive men to violent behavior.

People with pathological narcissism have trouble with empathy - the ability to set themselves aside and consider someone else's thoughts and feelings. This means that at its extreme form, narcissism means that you were never in a relationship to begin with; you were just means for your boyfriend to get the admiration and attention that they crave. Worse, your boyfriend will have little, if no regard, for your feelings and well-being. This apathy can drive them towards emotionally and physically abusing you.

If you feel that there is abuse already (and take note: verbal putdowns and psychological terrorism are also abuse!), there's no debate about it: leave this person immediately. Seek the assistance of your local social welfare or police department. No matter how much you love this person, and how often they apologize, nobody has the right to hurt you.

Deciding to Make a Go of It

Relationships with narcissists are not always pessimistic. Like mentioned previously, narcissism exists in a range; some narcissism cases are less pathological than others. If your boyfriend's narcissism still falls within the adaptable range, then you might be able to make a go of your relationship.

How can you tell? Narcissism is only pathological when it's not open to adapting to the situation. If you communicate that you're already hurt or affected by your boyfriend's behavior, and he sincerely wants to change, then perhaps the narcissism may not be as serious as you think. If he an egomaniac in only one area of his life, and his egomania doesn't affect his work, relationships or personal life negatively, then his narcissism is likely still a manageable trait.

So, start with assessing the seriousness of your boyfriend's self-love. Here's a tip: if you want to make this assessment, make sure you don't do it alone. As someone in a relationship with a narcissist, you may not be the most objective person to judge whether his narcissism is pathological. Ask the help of people you trust, or even a mental health professional. They can provide you with a more unbiased view.

If you both have decided to make a go of your relationship, there are three things that you should do: heal your relationship, heal your boyfriend's narcissism, and heal yourself.

You need to fix the relationship: find ways of breaking unhelpful patterns of relating and replace them with more functional ones. This process includes learning new communication skills, and constant practice of empathy and genuine feedback.

You also need to get the narcissist help in understanding himself, and how he came to be the way he was. Note though that the more serious the narcissism is, the more difficult it is to cure. You might be signing up for years of painful struggle. Prognosis for the condition is poor, although treatment is not impossible with the right professional.

Interestingly, you as the girlfriend of a narcissist would need counseling or at least serious self-reflection too. There are certain unfulfilled needs that can make an individual fall in love with the narcissist- unfulfilled needs that can express themselves in dysfunctional ways. For instance, people who like narcissists often suffer from low self-esteem and a fear of assertiveness. You need to be aware and in control of these issues; otherwise you would just be sucked into your partner's condition.